Friday, June 26, 2009

My sister and I cannot do it all

My thoughts are all over the place. I cannot put into words on 'paper'... too much to type.

I am angry, I am sad, I feel lonely, I feel selfish and guilty, I feel completely defeated... all because of my parents.

Dad's knee is a mess... knee cap is shattered beyond repair and in desperate need of surgery. Mom is stressed and is falling deeper, each day, into the world of dementia. Days go by where she calls my father (her husband) "Paul" or "Dado"... both are the names of HER father. She's angry and unable to control her temper.

Dad cannot take care of her because he is laid-up... no longer able to walk falling weekly. His knee is the size of a large canteloupe melon and his leg is black and blue from top to bottom. Surgery isn't for another week, then 6 months for recovery (probably).

There is not a week that goes by that I don't receive a phone call about one of my parents falling, about one of them being sick or taken to the hospital. Camille (my sister) and I worry so about them. We cannot be there with them all of the time... we have our own family's to tend to and nurture. This is where, for me, the guilt comes in. Mom and Dad raised me, took care of me, looked after me. Shouldn't I be able to do the same for them in return? I don't have it in me, there isn't enough of me. My family needs me... my husband and kids. I'm no good to any of them now... my head is throbbing, my stomach is aching, I am crying... I don't know what to do. I want to go away and because of that I feel I'm being selfish.