Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Conflicted

Haven't had much to write and hadn't really felt up to writing recently. However, now Mom seems to have taken a turn and definitely not for the better. Just in the past few months Mom has been in and out of the hospital numerous times with congestive heart failure. Because of the heart failure her lungs filled with fluid, she retained fluid throughout her body which distended her abdomen, and her heart was unable to oxygenate her blood the way is should. She said she felt as if she were drowning. Her confusion from dementia became worse.
Mom is home now but is looking rather frail. Dad called on Monday (yesterday) and said that Mom had fallen twice on Sunday. She is so weak that she can hardly walk or stand.I went to see Mom yesterday. She was in bed, oxygen on, watching tv. She looked about as bad as I had ever seen her. Dad is very worried and talked about putting her in the hospital again. She just came out about a week ago. Camille and I don't think there is any more the hospital can do for her unless she is having trouble breathing, swallowing, or anything else more serious. We felt that her weakness wasn't a reason to go to the hospital. I'm really begining to feel that Mom's physical condition will only continue to deteriorate at a fairly rapid rate. She is down to about 140 lbs. and has no appetite. Her face is gaunt, her color is not good. I think she knows she is as bad off as she looks. This is where I am having a lot of conflicting emotions. I am scared thinking of Mom dying. But Mom really has no quality of life, most of her time in bed, sleeping. Sometimes I wish she would fall asleep, and painlessly drift away....still remembering who we all are. I want my Dad to live the rest of his life without worry but I don't want him to be without Mom. I desperately want Mom's suffering to end. I only wish there could be a happier outcome. Please, those of you who are reading this blog, who know Mom...I would love to hear from you...your favorite and happiest memories with Mom and/or both of my parents. I would love to post them here. My email is balcom2663@gmail.com. Thank you so much!




1 comment:

Amy said...

I wish I had known your mother, but in reading the diary posts that your mother wrote, she's alot like you - takes difficult situations but sees the positives in them, makes the most of each day that God has given to her and focuses more on people rather than possessions.

Praying for you and your family during this time.