Wednesday, September 28, 2011

From Mom's Journal - Sept. 2, 1979 Sunday (age 42)

"Today has not been a very happy day for me. I feel left out of life and a prisoner in this unit and in a body that will not let me be me. I fear today that as soon as one problem crops up and we begin to get it under control another rears its ugly head. I am just 42 years old and have things I want to do yet. Why do I have to go thru all of this?
Am I really on my way out soon? Or will I survive this experience and go on to do those things I want to do? Today & tonight I fear that it is all over for me - "

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I am Mom's youngest child, age 45. I cannot imagine going through all of what my mother went through at her age at the time, or ever really. To have overcome all that she had from the age of 40 to her late 60's to then be told you have dementia is unbearable. All of the memories over the years that Mom struggled to make with Dad, Camille, and me; all that was so important to her is being taken away. However, my mother, only in her moments of clarity still manages to lull though with any grace and dignity that she has left (even a sense of humor). When Mom's dementia becomes apparent during her hours of sundowners I become full of anxiety and find myself wanting to leave. I wish I could help to pull Mom out of her sundowners and return her to "Marilyn". I do love you Mom.

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