Thursday, September 1, 2011

From Mom's Journal - June 4, 1979 - Monday (age 42)

"10:15 PM - Bad day today - very depressed. Wished I was dead but still cannot give up.
Went to exercise - drove myself - drove all right.
Seemed to have a good day on the bike - rode bike at home for about 5 min - was ok.
Ulcer really acting up - lots of swelling around middle was kind of sick at stomach - taste metal in mouth.
Scars are really tight - especially chest -
Wonder if I will get well ever -
Went to Hawley-Cooke with Hal & sat in chair to wait for him.
Really had waves of dizziness & sick feeling."

Above is an entry from Mom's journal. I am so sad that Mom didn't have a better quality of her physical being. As a family, we are so lucky to have had her as long as we did. Mom had her first open heart surgery when she was just 40 years old. We were told she probably wouldn't make it to age 42. At the time I was just 12 years old; not easy news for a young girl.
I have a very strong mother.....she is now 74 years old. However, now at 74 she really has no quality of life. Mom, physically, is just existing. And now mentally, her mind is slowly leaving us. No one should have to live like this. But Mom has always made the best of her situation and kept her wonderful sense of humor.

I love my mother so much. This is so difficult for me to be witness to. Sometimes I just cannot deal with all of this and withdraw from the entire situation. Probably not the best way to handle things, but it's my way. Journaling, blogging is my outlet to express what I'm feeling. I don't like to talk much with others, don't want to be considered a "downer at the party". Really wanting all of this to be over for my mother, I don't want her suffering to continue. I really don't want to lose her....but I'm losing her anyway either way.

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