Monday, July 20, 2009

I need to sleep...

It's possible that none of what I am getting ready to type will make any sense but I just need to type what I can just so I will be able to sleep. These thoughts need to find their way out of my head otherwise they will just slosh and swirl around in there... shouting at me... wanting to get out and keep me awake. So here goes... right from my brain, in no particular order other than how they come out of my head...

Dad had his knee surgery last Friday (7/17). Today is Monday (7/20). Emma, Wade, and I went to visit dad in the hospital this morning. He was sound asleep, we didn't want to wake him. Later found out that he had been moved to a new room. My parents friends, our family members, dad's doctors and caregivers all agree that dad needs to recover at a rehab facility. Dad is prone to falling at the moment with his bad knees... too heavy for mom to lift, too heavy for moms caregiver to lift (at home), and no medical care at home. In a rehab facility all of that help will be available to him.

Dad asked for me to come to visit him this evening to discuss options for said facility. Upon arrival mom was there visiting with her caregiver. I didn't mention the above because I was not sure dad had discussed with her. After mom left we talked a little about it but dad kept falling asleep. He told me that mom was in agreement that the rehab facility was a good idea and she was 'on board'.

I knew better than to talk to mom about it but I did anyway (sometimes mom is very aware, cognisant, so I took a chance. just wish I hadn't) . She didn't remember any of the conversation with dad and my discussion with her just went in circles. I tried to explain that it would be a necessary inconvenience but that he needed to recover so he could be able to take care of her. At home he has NO help, at the rehab facility he would have the help and medical care he would need. She got pissed off at me and hung up the phone.

Now... here comes my anger, frustration, and guilt again (as I've mentioned in previous posts). I was angry with her for getting angry with me. I was frustrated because I had to explain to her over and over again why he needed the rehab. I was really angry with her for being selfish for not wanting him to go to rehab. I wanted to scream at her in the phone. I felt guilty because I wanted to call her an idiot (but I didn't). I was so incredibly frustrated and angry with dad for telling me to discuss this with her. I'm so pissed that my parents are so stubborn. I'm so pissed that they won't take advise from me. Well... at least dad has finally realized that he needs the rehab facility. But he could still change his mind which wouldn't surprise me. But I am going to put my foot down. He CANNOT heal at home. He CANNOT be any good to mom at home is this condition. He MUST go!

I'm so frustrated that I am having to deal with this. I am so frustrated that my parents didn't plan for any kind of long term disability. I am so frustrated that mom doesn't remember things, important things. I am so tired of having to repeat things to my mother over and over and every time make it sound like it's the first time I'm telling her.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of crying about the things I cannot change. I'm tired of having to repeat things. I'm tired of having to hear the same things time and time again and act like it's the first time I've heard what ever it is mom is telling me the hundredth time. I'm tired of hearing things that aren't true that my mother makes up (she doesn't know she's making up things). I'm just tired of it all. Why has this disease taken my mother away? She is still alive but she's not my mother any more. She looks like mom but she's not mom. I resent this person who is impersonating my mom.

My children will never know my mom. They will never know how much she loves them. They will never see how creative, loving, and sweet she was. They will never know the taste of her delicious cooking. All they know is this decrepid, sick, old woman who yells at them periodically, curses in front of them, they are frightened of her. I explain to my children what has plagued their grandmother, why she is the way she is but they don't fully understand. I do all I can to let them know what a neat person she was... but they will never fully know.

This dementia is extremely difficult for all of my family, my moms sisters, my cousins, my children, my husband, my dad, even my parents friends... it is affecting EVERYTHING and EVERYONE!

I hate that I was about 12 years old when my mother first got sick with heart disease. I have since had to live with the fear of losing my mom at any given moment (30+ years). I finally came to the realization about 4 or 5 months ago that I have already lost my mom, not physically though... I have lost her to dementia. I am not sure which is worse.

Hmmm...I must be honest... I believe the dementia is worse.

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